January 2019. That is the last time I updated this blog.
I knew it had been a long time, but I didn’t realize it had been 2 full years. Whoops!
I’ve been thinking the past few weeks about how much I miss writing and how I wanted to get back into blogging as an outlet for myself, and realizing how long it has been since I have utilized this creativity helped me understand why I’ve been missing it so much.
Now, I want to help you (and myself) understand where I’ve been for 2 years.
The last time I blogged, it was a few weeks before I had our second baby, Annabelle. She ended up being breech and I ended up getting a c-section, which was frankly pretty traumatic for a lot of reasons. She and I were both healthy, but it was a struggle those few days in the hospital. I was in a lot of pain and I was struggling to bond with my baby, which of course made me feel like a terrible mom. Then, a week after she was born, I got some kind of flu-like virus and had to just rest. Once I got some actual sleep that night (thanks mom), I woke up the next day feeling literally like a brand new person and like a new mom, too.
It was a start in the right direction, but for the most part that rocky start just stayed rocky. The transition to two kids was HARD. It was so hard for me. Some people had told me their own transition to two kids was easier than their first, and I am jealous of all of those people. I struggled so much with balancing how much both of my kids needed me–Annabelle needed me physically and required so much energy as a newborn (and was so fussy for the first 5 or 6 months of her life). Liam was adjusting to not being an only child and while he was (and still is) so sweet with his sister, he wants all of my attention all of the time. For the first 6 months of A’s life, I felt like all I did was feed children and try to get them to stop crying. It was exhausting.
The second 6 months of her life, Annabelle became so much more pleasant and easy-going, thank God. But as we transitioned out of her fussy newborn stage, we transitioned into Liam starting kindergarten and everyone in the family being sick for about 5 straight months. I wish I were exaggerating, but that is literally what happened–at least one person in my house was sick every single week from mid-October 2019 until mid-March of 2020. We had ear infections, sinus infections, strep, croup, common colds, coughs, stomach bugs (yes, bugs plural), and the flu. Robbie and I were lucky enough to get the actual flu the week before schools and life shut down for COVID in March 2020.
So when the pandemic hit earlier this year, I was already at a severe mental and emotional deficit. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and resentful of how relentless life was feeling. Needless to say, the pandemic has exacerbated those feelings; losing the support system of school and daycare, not seeing our family for weeks at a time, becoming a stand-in teacher to help my son with schoolwork, and helping Annabelle through several delays we’ve discovered have been more than a struggle.
It actually makes me laugh to think about it. Last year, I told Robbie that my focus word for 2019 had been “thrive” because I knew it was going to be a year of changes and transitions and I really wanted to thrive through it. In December of 2019, I did not feel like I was thriving in any way, shape, or form–I was barely hanging on. I told him that I wanted to make “thrive” my focus word for 2020 as well (oh, how that makes me laugh today). In his wise way, Robbie told me that he wished I could see myself the way he saw me, and that I was doing a great job–he suggested I make my word “acceptance” for 2020 and stop being so hard on myself. Maybe he’s psychic.
As I look forward to the end of 2020, year of the dumpster fire, that’s what I’m trying to do: accept the curveballs life has thrown at all of us, accept that I’m doing the best that I can under the circumstances I’m in, and accept that this is just a season that will pass. It’s easier said than done, but it’s a mindset shift I’ve been working on since March and will have to keep working on as the pandemic rages on and the beginning of 2021 looks to be much of the same.
So, that’s where I’ve been. I needed to take some things off of my plate these past 2 years, and writing was one of the simplest things to remove. But now that I’m missing being creative in this way and missing sharing my thoughts here, I’m excited to get back into it. 2021 is going to be a year of resting, repairing, and rebuilding, and this site will be included in that.
Thanks for sticking it out with me.